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Jayden
06 July 2011 @ 10:59 am
23 days. Can't fucking wait.
 
 
Jayden
02 March 2011 @ 08:53 pm
Well, it's good to know that I'm not the only one who has these thoughts. Wasn't the one to bring it up in the first place, which makes it a lot better. Makes me realize that I'm not alone, and my thoughts are completely true. Wonder when you will realize this as well. Wonder when you'll get your head out of your ass. Truly hoping that it happens sooner rather than later. We all gotta do what makes us happy, but I don't even know if you know what you're doing at this point. All your words 8 months ago compared to now lead me to calling you a hypocrite. Everything that you held so close and valued so much seems to have completely disappeared to you. I just want you to know that I do care about you. I really shouldn't, and I wish most of the time that I didn't.. but I can't help but give a damn. I'm relatively certain that things aren't ever going to change. You have made that apparent time after time. At the same time however, I can't help but give up hope. Hope is the only thing I have left in my life. Yes I realize that things are really awful right now, but part of me has an undying hope that things will indeed get better. I know that if I rid myself of that hope than I am as good as putting a loaded gun to my head. It's one thing that keeps me from doing the things that I desire most. It keeps me grounded. It keeps me sane. I want to give up hope, but at the same time I don't think I'm quite ready to give up yet. I realize that there is a huge chance that this will not amount to anything, but the naive part of myself keeps saying that maybe something else will come along. Maybe it doesn't all have to be like this. Maybe. Maybe not. Wonder what caused you to change your tune. Your outlook on life. Shame.

I just want things back how they were.

I want the lies to stop. I don't know what makes you continue to lie to me. Not sure if you even realize it at this point. I'm a grown man, I can take the truth. It's so much easier than leading me along. That is the only thing I will ask from you; the truth.

Realizing slightly how much more I hate parts of my family. I understand not telling the bastard son. I understand not telling the "disgrace" to your happy little family. But who not tell your own mother? Why not tell your other kids, the ones who haven't failed you? You make me sick.

Need to get into therapy. Not for the reasons you would think either. I think you would be shocked if you knew the truth. Unfortunately for you, you lost that privilage. I don't have any reason to be civil, honest, or nice to you. Wish it wouldn't have had to happen this way, but you help the gun- not me.

That was the best two weeks of my life. Let's try again?

I'm sorry.
 
 
Jayden
11 February 2011 @ 07:24 am
So, it's 7:21AM. Need to be up for work in 3 hours and 39 minutes. Again I state: Ritalin is a very bad idea when I have to wake up for any sort of activity. Note to self (even though I'm relatively certain that this will happen again): no more Ritalin before bed.
Now, time to (attempt) those three and a half hours of sleep. Sweet dreams.
 
 
Jayden
11 February 2011 @ 07:20 am
Have you ever had a pet that ran away? Did you eventually find her or him? If not, how long did it take you to recover?

I had a cat named Sorsha.. she was an Abyssinian, beautiful in sight, but absolutely evil in spirit. The bathroom window on the second floor was accidentally left open one day and she found herself on the lower roof of our porch overlooking the deck. I don't know honestly how she managed to get down, but my assumption would lead me to believe that she either jumped from the roof to the porch or from the roof to the yard. Regardless, she was free. The family was deeply upset by her leaving even though she was a tempermental bitch (hate to speak poorly of her, but it was the truth). We all loved this cat regardless of the fact that she despised us. We put food out on the porch every night and day to try to lure her back home. This didn't work. We next tried to put a humane animal trap out that would hopefully catch her. We didn't manage to catch her, but in the morning we did find a very pissed off wild cat that had managed to get into the trap (probably due to the food that we had used at bait). We printed up fliers and hung them wherever applicable. My brother and I even went door to door with pictures, fliers, and teary eyed faces asking if anyone had seen or caught our beloved pet. A neighbor said that she had seen Sorsha around the neighborhood which gave us hope that she was still alive. Roughly two months went by (it was the start of summer when she went missing) until one day we went to go out to the car to leave for whatever reason. Laying in front of our car was Sorsha. She was alive, but barely.. She died shortly after we found her. We ended up burying her in our yard.

Thinking back on this, it sorta reminds me of the book "Where the Red Fern Grows" in the sense that she drug herself back to the place that she loved and called home. Depressing. I do miss her though.
 
 
Jayden
11 February 2011 @ 07:04 am
What's your most debilitating insecurity? Do you think you'll ever overcome it?


Mental health issues. Although they aren't always apparent, and most people don't know about them, I fear that specific people may find out about certain issues. The people in my life who matter know about the majority, but I cannot find the strength within myself to come clean about all of them. There's far too much negative stigma associated with certain aspects of my mental health that frighten me beyond belief. I know I am managing my issues to the best of my ability, but they're still things that I am overly self conscious about.

As far as overcoming these issues goes.. the actual mental health issues won't ever go away. As I stated in the last post, I can find ways to manage and cope with these things via therapy and medication, but the actual disease(s) will never go away. When it comes to me opening up to people in my life about these problems, I suppose in time that may happen. It's largely based on trust. I don't want to expose some of the darkest parts of myself and potentially leave myself in an incredibly vulnerable state. There  isn't a single person in my life who knows everything, but I'm finding myself more and more ready to "come clean" as days go by. There's always that fear involved regarding the reaction from said person, but I think I may potentially be willing to take that risk in the near future.

I believe that the reason that I haven't ever opened up about all of the issues is based on two things. Although I trust others very easily, I have a hard time making friendships. There are people in my life who I have known for years and I will still call them an acquaintance. The reason for this is because of a fear of commitment. I fear that if I put a title of a friendship on something than I am allowing myself to become emotionally attached to that person. In the long run, there aren't a lot of people who I talk to today that I imagine will be around a year from now. Although I trust these acquaintances and would do basically anything for them, I'm still afraid of that commitment. If I begin to tell them some of the most dark and personal aspects of my life than again, there is a commitment.

The second reason that I haven't had the strength to tell anyone is because it's just recently that I have come to terms with all of these things. Of course there was the denial stage, but after that (and for a very long time) I didn't understand any of it. I constantly asked myself "why me". I figured that these problems would go away on their own. I didn't understand the impact that these diseases (including the symptoms and ways I dealt with them) could have on other people. I saw these things only affecting me, and didn't see how they negatively impacted other people as well. I didn't see the stress, hurt, and anger that they created in those who I loved and who loved me. It has taken a long time for me to come to terms with all of these things.. even at 19 it's difficult to imagine spending the rest of my life taking pills daily to deal with these problems. It's difficult to even admit that these issues exist, let alone exist in my life. I've been dealing with mental health issues for 10, going on 11 years. It seems like just yesterday that the diagnosis was given to me.. yet, when I think about it.. although these past 10 years have had plenty of difficult moments, the diagnosis have caused me to evaluate myself. They have caused me to not take things for granted. They have given me the courage to wake the morning after some of the worst nights of my life. It's funny to think how such a thing could impact someone in such a way. I know that there will be plenty of rough patches over the course of my life, but optimism is trying to remind me that it does get better if I allow it to.

I'm pretty sure that answered the topic that I was initially writing about, and at the same time allowed me to write out a few thoughts that have been pressing on my mind. I'm not sure when I will muster the courage to reveal everything, but I truly am in a state where I believe that I can finally do that. I mean, there's one person specifically who I would like to talk to about all of this.. and just based on how they have handled everything else that I have told them thus far, I haven't much to worry about as far as rejection goes. I'm relatively certain that this person will continue to accept and support me just as they have been. Kinda nervous, but kinda excited at the same time..

One will see in time how this all pans out...
 
 
 
Jayden
If you could change one thing about yourself, except for looks, what would it be?

Not sure if gender falls into the "looks" category, but if not than that would be my answer. If it does fall into that category than I would change my mental health issues followed by my name. Normally I would choose the name above mental health, but I can change my name fairly easily.. my mental health can be managed via therapy and medication, but it will never truly go away. Unfortunately, this has been on my mind as of late. Many issues currently that need to be dealt with, but I do not have the means to do so. Currently, I wait.
 
 
Jayden
11 February 2011 @ 06:29 am
What would be your first purchase if you won the lottery?

I don't have a specific thing that I would purchase first.. but there are a few things I would indeed purchase. In no particular order these include:
* Name change
* Stable housing (a home if the lottery payout was high enough)
* Therapy/ hormones/ gender change/ other medical needs
* A new laptop
 
 
Jayden
11 February 2011 @ 06:18 am
Who would you consider the most overrated musician, and why?

There are far too many to list.. Unfortunately, I may like one or two of those.. Guilty!
 
 
Jayden
06 February 2011 @ 02:56 am
2:30AM. Most normal people are sleeping at such an hour.. but in a brilliant state of mind I decided to take some Ritalin. Now, this normally wouldn't be an issue, but with the current state of stress that my body is going through I doubt this will have a decent result. At the time of consumption I was prepared to stay awake the entire evening. I took the Ritalin with one other person and they stated that they would spend the evening with me hanging out. I haven't heard from him since we took them though, so I will assume that he managed to fall asleep before the effects kicked in. Wish I had been so smart to do the same. It's only been roughly three hours and already I am out of things to occupy my brain with. I suppose that's the reason why I decided to create a new account here and write for a while. It's been a long time since I wrote anything. Not sure if this is a journal or a venting area. I suppose I can determine that at a later date.

Technically it's Sunday. If I'm lucky I will be able to catch a few hours of rest from Sunday into Monday. If not, the work day will be a very long one. Looking forward to soon getting a better job. It's not the pay that I care about.. I can deal with minimum wage, the issue falls in the fact that I am getting so few hours. I was hired as a full time employee back in September. I was receiving decent hours till the holidays when I literally didn't work for almost two months straight. It was expected, so not a huge issue. We were told that we would gain our hours back at the start of January, however, I have yet to see more than 5 hours per week working here. I go for my GED testing next week, and if all goes well and I pas, I will be able to obtain a job that has more of a guarantee for hours. As much as I hate this job, it has its perks. I wouldn't leave if I didn't have any other choice.

My ears are ringing and my head is spinning. Probably a side-effect of the Ritalin. Why did I take it again? Come morning I am going to be on autopilot. After the noon hours are over I am probably going to crash (or need to crash). Note to self: do not take stimulants in the wee hours of the morning. Take them upon waking.

What is with these nightmares? I understand that the material I have been watching could be a cause.. but they're starting to get out of hand. Every time I fall asleep it's a variation of the last nightmare. Not my favorite way to wake.. Have been telling myself for days to either stop watching or limit my viewing of the show. Have yet to do so. With so little to do I haven't a ton of options. My mind has been going in a million different directions, and the show has been one of few distractions. I need to ask for help, but that's such a difficult task to do. I know that I need to ask for help, but part of me is afraid that I will be rejected if I ask for it. It's not even help that I need.. I just need to vent. Have been trying hard to not fall back on old habits, it's hard.. wish you would take it away.

My mind is starting to lose track of any/ all thoughts.
 
 
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